Wednesday, October 3, 2012
BREAKING: Romney Announces Space Program Minutes Before First Presidential Debate
- Denver, CO
Minutes before the first Presidential debate of the 2012 election, Mitt Romney surprised reporters by announcing his ideas for America's space program. "I will bring America's beloved shuttle out of mothballs," Romney said.
As reporters scrambled to press him for further details, Romney would only say, "Once I'm President, I'll tell you." From the back of the room, a reporter shouted, "Is it true you're invested in companies that would get billions of dollars in contracts to make the shuttle ready to fly again?" Visibly angered by the question, Romney snapped, "You people have all you need to know about my finances."
"Why bring the shuttle back, Governor, when NASA says it is no longer an economically viable space vehicle?" asked CNN's Miles O'Brien. "NASA made that decision because the shuttle has a small payload capability," Romney answered. Pointing to a drawing provided by the Romney campaign, he continued, saying, "I have a plan to increase its payload capability, thereby making it able to carry more material into space each time it is launched."
"You're planning to strap a giant dog crate to the shuttle?" O'Brien asked. "Not a dog crate," Romney snapped. "It's a highly advanced, airtight container that has been modified to attach to the shuttle's roof. It has a special windshield," he quickly added.
"How much will this so called 'highly advanced' container cost? And who will build it?" shouted the reporter from the back of the room. "We estimate the container will only cost around $13 Billion," Romney answered. "And who will build it?" the reporter shouted again.
"That's all the questions I have time for today," Romney said. Following up, the reporter shouted, "Is the release of your space plan moments before your first debate an attempt to distract viewers?" "Yes," Romney answered as he was rushed from the room by his handlers.
Moments later, the Romney campaign issued a statement clarifying Romney's remarks: "When Governor Romney answered 'yes' to the question about distracting debate viewers, he meant 'no.'"
Moments later, the Romney campaign issued yet another clarifying statement: "When we said Governor Romney meant 'no' when he answered 'yes' to the question about distracting debate viewers, we meant to say he didn't actually answer 'yes' in the first place. He coughed and it sounded like 'yes,' but he was saying 'no' when he coughed."
Note: This is satire.